Sunday, August 1, 2010


Aku ingin menceritakan tentang kisah hidup ku, dari pada aku mula mengenali seorang manusia bernama lelaki.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Violence in relationships often preceded by humiliation

In retrospect, Alexandra from Berlin can't remember what it was that touched off the fight with her boyfriend, but it was something insignificant.
The fight was taking place in the hall of their apartment when suddenly he opened the door, pushed her into the stairwell and slammed the door. 'Was that an act of violence?' is the question that shot through her mind.The answer is yes, said psychotherapist Gisela Dreyer of Bonn. Humiliation and indignation is also an indirect type of violence. Physical violence slips slowly and almost unnoticeably into a relationship, said Dreyer.
'Criticism and humiliation are often the start,' said Dreyer. At some point something occurs - a slap in the face, for example - that sets off what experts call a spiral of violence.
It's incorrect to believe that violence in a relationship occurs only among poorly educated or low-income couples, according to a 2005 study by Germany's government authority for families in Berlin.
'Overall, the study confirmed that violence in a relationship is not a problem of socio-economic level,' the authors concluded.
Alexandra, who declined to give her surname for publication, and her boyfriend are both academics. Should she have immediately packed her bags and left? There is no generally accepted rule in this situation, but of course everyone has the right to end a relationship after being struck the first time.
Often, difficulties communicating precede the escalation of a crisis in a relationship. 'The use of violence is an expression of a certain kind of helplessness,' said Dreyer. In any case a reversal must follow.
'The partner who turned to violence must recognise the seriousness of the act and understand that it must never occur again,' said Dreyer. The best thing for the couple is to turn to a counselling centre - separately or together - to begin psychotherapy. 'If there is no willingness to do this, then it is indeed time to go.
'But many people don't manage to take this step. Alexandra, for example, stayed with her boyfriend after he apologised. She blamed herself for the incident and tried to make it up to her partner.
Silvia Kaubisch of Fuerth, an employee in a shelter for battered women, has seen this behaviour before. Women believe they have the situation under control, but this only serves to confirm to their partner that violence is effective and the situation worsens. A separation is often made more complicated and difficult when children are part of the scenario.
The longer the violence continues, the more difficult it is to end the relationship 'because over time the victim's self-perception changes', said Kaubisch. As in Alexandra's case, who became more and more withdrawn. Her friends and family members told her to end the relationship. This is often a gruelling thing to go through, but important, said Dreyer. They must provide perspective, information and give the victim courage, she added.
Information from the outside is especially important for women who want to separate from their partner but don't know their rights, said Kaubisch. The police can remove a violent person from the premises and a court can order him or her to stay away from the victim. For women who continue to feel threatened, a women's shelter is a good solution. The woman must, however, make up her own mind whether to seek a separation, Kaubisch said.
Alexandra could not take this step. The incident occurred two years ago and the humiliations and constant criticism continued.
'At some point I didn't recognise myself any more,' she said. Six months ago, she separated from her partner after meeting another man. Luckily, it happened that way, she said, adding that she believes she wouldn't have made the leap alone.

source taken from: